Forever (F-Word Book 4) Read online

  Not Tristan’s smoothest pickup line, but it worked. “Sure! That’d be awesome,” Jake admitted. “It gets hard motivating yourself sometimes.”

  “Oh, I know how that is.” Tristan looked over at Zeph. “He kicks my ass a lot, when I need it. And vice versa.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” Zeph said cheerily. “You guys swap numbers and let me know if you need ass-kicking or a routine. I literally design routines for fun.”

  “He’s not lying,” Tristan grinned, awkwardly holding out his phone. “Wanna… swap numbers?”

  “Yeah!” Jake fumbled to grab his own phone and dropped it, then cursed under his breath and scooped it up, checking the screen for damage before handing it over. “God. Sorry. Here.”

  Tristan stifled his amusement. At least he wasn’t the only one making an idiot out of himself. Small consolation when he was going to get teased for years to come about this, but consolation nonetheless.

  “Here you are.” Kyle came back with a sheet of folded paper just as they exchanged phones again.

  Jake smiled again. “Thanks. Sorry to drop in unannounced.”

  “Oh, we always welcome drop-ins,” Denver spoke up from the office behind them, making them both jump. He waved slightly and grinned. “Especially when they have such fabulous hair. Where do you get it done, darling?”

  Tristan tuned out the conversation for a minute just to watch Jake’s lips move before realizing how pervy that was. But I can’t keep my eyes off him, he thought.

  Jake waved and headed out after a minute. “See you later,” he said to them all, but it was clear it was aimed at Tristan.

  Tristan just waved back. He couldn’t untie his tongue long enough to wish him a nice day or anything.

  The minute Jake was gone, all four men—Denver, Kyle, River, and Zeph—stared at him.

  “What?” Tristan snorted. He tried his hardest to play dumb.

  “You’re finally getting laid with a guy who isn’t further in the closet than Narnia,” Zeph commented and held out a hand for a high-five.

  Tristan scoffed, but there was no point in denying his intentions. “Yeah, whatever. We’ll see.”

  “Oh, he was into you,” River seconded with a grin. “We know fuck-me eyes when we see them.”

  “Mmhmm.” Kyle folded his arms and pursed his lips. “Don’t deny it.”

  “I’ve felt less chemistry in Hallmark movies.” Denver winked when Tristan glared at them all.

  Still, Tristan’s cheeks were flushed with pleasure. These guys all knew each other’s secrets, and that kind of community was incredible to feel. Maybe being out had its perks. Meeting other gay men, not afraid of the consequences, was an amazing feeling.

  It couldn’t be worse than a soulless Grindr hookup, all the while hoping the wrong person didn’t out him at the wrong moment. At least getting together with Jake, who had already promised that his secret was safe, might be fun.

  He had nothing to lose by going for it, right?

  3

  Jake

  Life was fucked up in the best possible way.

  Going to an HIV charity to get help finding a queer family support group was strange enough. He hadn’t expected to meet a group of such colorful and friendly guys there. And one of them being Tristan?

  He’d walked out with contact details for a guy who was starting a co-parenting group and would talk to him, a website for a local trans-positive doula, details of a trans men’s support group… and Tristan Bailey’s phone number.

  Of course he remembered Tristan, and that one week on set. He’d been trying his hardest to stay professional while Tristan cast him fleeting but unmistakable glances, like he’d like to rub their sweating bodies together in a private spot somewhere.

  He’d been a couple years on T at that point and being gendered correctly most of the time. Having the lead actor himself pay him attention had been a ridiculous confidence boost.

  Jake had rubbed one out more than once to the memories of being close enough to Tristan to almost taste his sweat. And it looked like the feeling was mutual.

  He could die happy now.

  Jake giggled to himself when he got a text—an actual text!—minutes after he got home. Tristan wasn’t wasting time, and he appreciated that.

  He wasn’t a fame-chaser. He counted exactly zero actors in his little black book—that he knew about, anyway. Everyone here seemed to want a turn in front of the camera.

  But something about Tristan’s physical presence had drawn him in from the first moment. Maybe the hint of conflict he’d seen every time Tristan had looked at him. Because of it, he’d never made a move, and he’d regretted it since then.

  He’d always suspected that “it’s not you, it’s me” was at work. Tristan was deep in the closet, judging by his Google search results. Which was why it was such a surprise to find him just casually hanging out at Plus. This wasn’t an attempt to buy his silence, was it? He made a mental note to confirm that before he got down to cock-sucking business.

  The text was simple.

  Zeph had to bail. Wanna see me at the gym?

  He couldn’t answer fast enough.

  Sure!

  Then Tristan texted the address, and Jake was sprinting into the house to change into workout clothes.

  Since he and Dr. Lume had decided to stop his testosterone, his hormones had been all over the place. Even if this wasn’t some irresistible biological impulse, he kind of hoped getting laid would help calm his libido down. He hadn’t expected that to get stronger after stopping hormones—quite the opposite.

  He was on a late shift at the restaurant, and he was gonna hate himself tomorrow for hitting the gym before work, but he didn’t care. If this was his “in” with Tristan, he was gonna take it.

  Hopefully his in-and-out. For all he wanted a future, he wasn’t against having fun now, either. Sometimes, chemistry couldn’t be ignored. They’d already lost touch once after that week of barely-veiled sexual tension.

  It would just be fucking tragic to ignore that pull twice.

  “Pull—come on. That’s it!” Tristan grinned as he hauled Jake to his feet. “See? Your arm is stable this way. If you let it rotate, you can fuck up your body for life.”

  Jake was a hell of a lot more worried about getting fucked tonight, but he did all he could to remember Tristan’s tutorial. “You might have to remind me next week,” he laughed. “I’m easily distracted.”

  Tristan’s eyes sparkled with amusement. They were alone in the corner of the gym—a quiet, industrial place, not the kind of flashy one Jake had somehow imagined he’d go to. “By what?”

  There it was—the invitation to dance.

  Jake took it. “By good-looking guys hauling me around,” he answered, letting his gaze flicker up and down Tristan’s body. “Especially when they’re shirtless and right there.”

  Tristan’s body was hot as fuck, and resisting the urge to nibble it—even just a little—had taken eighty percent of his willpower over the last half-hour.

  “Mmm. I could take this workout somewhere else, if you wanted to,” Tristan suggested, his voice low. “Hit the showers?”

  “I don’t usually shower in gyms.” Jake wasn’t sure how much Tristan had heard about him while he was on set, or how much he remembered. He swallowed hard, following Tristan at a leisurely stroll toward the shower. “I tend to surprise guys.”

  “With your incredibly sexy body?” Tristan inquired, winking.

  Jake only realized it was a gentle joke to defuse the situation after he’d already started correcting him. “With my scars, and the dick situation. I don’t know if you remember…”

  Tristan touched his shoulder. “I remember you being pretty open about it on set. How about showering with just me, then?”

  “You’re fine with it?”

  Tristan gave him a warm smile. “I’m hitting on you, aren’t I? We’ll figure out something that works for us both. It’s no big deal.”

  “Okay.
Awesome.” Jake grinned with relief. He didn’t usually get too worked up about whether any one guy was gonna be an ass, because there was always another dick attached to a nicer guy out there.

  But this time? He wanted this dick, and this guy. Now that the possibility of rejection was gone, he was nearly dizzy with relief.

  The chemistry between them was exactly as strong as it had been a minute ago, and Tristan hadn’t fallen into ask Jake a million questions about his genitals and then compliment his bravery for being alive mode. That was always such a goddamn turn-off. Nobody wanted to feel like a high school sex ed teacher right before hooking up.

  “We could head for my place,” Tristan suggested. “If you wanna shower at mine, then we’ll have a lot more privacy. And a king-sized bed.” He winked.

  Jake licked his lips. “Fuck, yeah.”

  Tristan cast him a quick sideways glance, then said quietly, “A friend of a friend is… stealth, I think you’d call it? I forget. But I know a little bit.”

  “Oh.” Jake couldn’t help but wonder if it was an actor. If gay actors had to hide themselves in Hollywood, he had no doubt trans actors did, too. “Oh, cool.”

  Tristan grinned at him. “And I’ve wanted you since we shot that movie.”

  He thought about me? Jake blushed down to his toes and Tristan chuckled warmly. “Me, too,” Jake admitted. “I was gonna pick you up, but you always looked so uncertain, you know?”

  They were alone in the locker room as they swapped sweaty t-shirts for fresh ones, and Jake turned away from the wall to let Tristan see the faded scars along his chest. Once red, they were now pale and less attention-catching.

  “Nice pecs,” Tristan complimented him with a smirk. “But yeah. I was uncertain back then.”

  “So was I.” Jake hadn’t quite hit his slutty stage that summer. He’d still been reeling from life: top surgery, then recovery, and then scrambling to get a new job before he worked himself even further into debt. Debt was a hell of a libido-squasher.

  They could barely keep their hands off each other on the way to the parking lot. Tristan kept touching his arm and wrist, and it was all Jake could do not to push him up against the car and kiss him.

  Not here. Not in public, even if it’s deserted. It was weird being around someone with something so big to hide, but Jake completely understood Tristan’s reasons.

  “Wanna follow me? Or leave your car here? It’s up to you,” Tristan offered.

  Jake licked his lips. “Better follow you.”

  “Better not lose me,” Tristan winked and headed to his car with a cheeky wave.

  “Oh, I wouldn’t.” Jake gazed after Tristan for a few moments before remembering to actually open his own car door. “Not a chance,” he murmured under his breath.

  4

  Tristan

  It wasn’t the first time he’d invited a hookup over to his place instead of sneaking out and grabbing a cheap hotel. Hell, it wasn’t even the first time he’d picked up a guy from that very gym.

  So why the hell was Tristan so nervous about the state of his place now that Jake was following him home?

  Even though he’d been in far worse places to meet guys, Tristan hadn’t tidied up in a few days, and he found himself weirdly worried about whether Jake would think he was a slob.

  Sex. That’s all this is, he reminded himself. You don’t even know the guy. Jesus. Just because you see your friends off getting hitched… some very publicly, with Instagram sponsors and everything… doesn’t mean that you get to have that life.

  That was Tristan’s damage—his choice he’d made so he could live the career of his dreams. This wasn’t exactly the career of his dreams, but he wasn’t going to let his resentment bleed into the rest of his life.

  He was just going to enjoy reconnecting with the one who’d got away, preferably with full-body contact and plenty of tongue.

  It wasn’t the first time Tristan had met a trans guy. He’d known a few, but he hadn’t slept with any of them, that he knew of. But then again, he tried to hook up as little as possible to satisfy his urges, to minimize the risk of being outed.

  From what he remembered on set, Jake was admirably open about his own body and life, but as for Tristan? No way. Tristan didn’t want the world knowing anything that was none of their business.

  Once Kyle’s boyfriend, Nic, had gotten to know Tristan enough through their little network of friends to trust him, he’d told him that he was trans and stealth. As far as Nic was concerned, “don’t make it a big deal” was the rule to live by, so Tristan reminded himself of that as he parked outside his apartment building.

  It wasn’t as fancy as most people would expect from a B-list actor, but that helped him avoid attention. Some of his friends were well-versed in the art of sneaking around in plain sight, but Tristan couldn’t guiltily avoid eye contact with a concierge on a regular basis.

  “You didn’t lose me,” Tristan commented.

  Jake locked his car door and grinned. “What did I tell you? I really need that shower.”

  Tristan laughed. Now that he was on his home turf, he wasn’t afraid to slide an arm around Jake’s waist. He leaned in to playfully sniff. His lips touched Jake’s neck as he did so, brushing and dragging gently across the sensitive skin. “Nope. Smells fine to me.”

  Salty, sweaty, and full of delicious pheromones or something that made him want to pin him to the side of the building and take his time peeling their clothes off. How long had it been since he’d gotten laid, anyway? Obviously too long.

  “Okay, you’d better show me your place pronto,” Jake murmured, his breath quick and sharp.

  Tristan couldn’t stop himself, now that they were so close together. The attraction building under his skin was making his thoughts run wild with the desire to do more—to spread soap along this man’s body and explore an inch at a time.

  Oops. He was getting hard, and walking was about to become awkward as fuck. “Agreed. This way.”

  They made it to the elevator before making out, which Tristan considered an impressive act of self-restraint.

  Their lips slid together in a slow, warm promise of what was to come. Jake tasted like mint—he must have snuck one while he was in the car. Damn, that was a good taste on him.

  Before he could tell Jake so, Tristan found himself spinning around, back against the elevator wall as Jake kissed him hard.

  Fuck, that was hot. Jake kissed him like he wanted to screw him through the wall, and Tristan’s knees responded to that by almost giving way.

  “First door on the right,” he managed when the elevator doors opened.

  Jake kissed him once more before dragging him out through the doors by the hand.

  Tristan fumbled to get the door opened, and closed again, before Jake grabbed him by the cheeks and kissed him with all the luxury of privacy.

  “You do live alone?” Jake pulled back and eyed Tristan for a moment.

  Tristan laughed. “Yeah. Good question. Yeah, I do.” He could barely remember his name right now, but he was at least sure that he didn’t have a roommate. Probably.

  God, it was hard to focus when Jake was giving him the fuck-me eyes. No, no roommate. Next order of business…

  “Shower?” Jake suggested, the tone more demanding than suggestive.

  “Shower,” Tristan nodded. He was hard as anything already, and it took him a second to decide where he wanted to begin stripping off. “Bathroom’s, uh, through there.”

  His place was nice enough—an open layout with sliding doors separating the spacious master bedroom from the rest of the place. Best of all, an en suite… with a shower and a tub.

  “Shit, this is nice.” Jake raised an eyebrow and looked over at Tristan.

  Tristan grinned sheepishly and shrugged. How different things looked through the eyes of someone who wasn’t neck-deep in Hollywood’s “keeping up with the Joneses” disorder.

  “You could throw great parties here,” Jake commented.

&nbs
p; “I try not to, so they don’t try to raise the rent on me and squeeze me out.” Tristan grinned.

  “Only medium parties?”

  “Very reasonable parties,” Tristan agreed, grinning. He wrapped his arms around Jake’s waist and kissed him, walking him backward to the bedroom. Though Jake tensed up, his breathing harsh between kisses, he let Tristan guide him.

  There was already a spark of trust, then. That made for better sex. Tristan grinned, and then Jake nipped his lower lip. “Oof!”

  “No laughing at me.”

  “I’m not laughing. I’m…” Tristan trailed off for a moment as he realized it at the same pace as he said it. “I’m happy.”

  “It’s been that long, huh?” Jake winked.

  Tristan shook his head. “No. Yes. I don’t know, I can’t think straight,” he admitted. “I just like the chemistry. It feels good.”

  Jake looked startled for a moment, and then he lowered his eyes, his cheeks flushing pink. Oh, man. That was adorable as hell. “Cool. Me too.”

  “Shower’s through here.” Tristan wouldn’t embarrass him by pointing out that he was blushing. Jake was probably already aware. He started stripping first, hoping to make Jake more comfortable. “Are you fine with seeing me naked?”

  “I won’t lie, I was hoping to.” Jake threw him a wink, seemingly back on his game now. “Showering would be awkward otherwise. So would fucking.”

  Tristan grinned as he stepped out of his underwear, which left him naked and half-hard already. “I like the way you think.”

  That was an understatement—Jake made him want to peel every layer of clothing off, fuck him hard, and then hold him and listen to him talk for hours.

  Tristan mentally kicked himself a moment after he thought it. God, he couldn’t just go thinking things like that based on half-remembered conversations, longing glances, and one sexual tension-laden workout.

  Clearly, he needed something else in his life. He couldn’t find it all in one man. That way lay disappointment.